When I got diagnosed with breast cancer, all I wanted to do was beat this! I didn’t care about my boobs; take them no questions asked, not even a second thought. My breasts don’t make me a woman; they gave me cancer, so take them PLEASE!
During treatments to fight this fight I gained 40 pounds, I lost all of my hair, and I had a Picc line in my arm for the world to see. At the end of chemotherapy my nose would run all day long. SO… picture it if you can…an overweight bald girl, with a snotty nose, and a scary thing in her arm. Totally scary looking!! I just turned 30, I’m single, I have cancer, my boobs are getting taken off, but right now all I can do is fight this to live. I will deal with my appearance after the War. So here I am coming up on my 31st birthday and I beat cancer…and I’m single! I have NO boobs, my hair is growing back, and I lost all 40 pounds plus an additional 9 pounds.
Having no boobs and short hair doesn’t make “ME” feel less feminine or less of a woman. That stuff was just skin and hair. I never lost the feeling of being a woman, but I lost the feeling of looking like a woman to others.
So now that I look at life differently I really want to find that man to share my life with, to start a family, to share my journey, and to have a partner in my adventure. I want TRUE LOVE!! Then suddenly my emotions turn into fear. Fear of who is going to want “ME??” Not because I don’t see myself as a woman, but the fear that a man will not see me as one. When I felt this for the first time, I cried, tears of loneliness, tears of…will a man find me beautiful, tears of will I ever have a family, and tears of no one will understand my tears. If you haven’t felt this, usually people’s response is, “the right guy will love all of you!” My thought is, “how do you know that?? Listen to my fears, my feelings are REAL.”
In that moment of being broken I felt God and it was a whisper of, “you need to share your heart…” My heart dropped. I closed my eyes and prayed. The whisper continued, “Think of the women who are alone and are crying by themselves, let them know they are not alone, share your journey, let me hold you, I made you a woman, I will let others see you as one NOW more than ever! Share your journey, put your heart out there and I will protect it. I will find your husband…trust in Me, but share your heart.”
Tears began to flow harder because in my brokenness God came to let me feel His love. He called me to help others, to take my feelings of loneliness, feelings of I can NEVER be loved, feelings of insecurities, feelings of…will I ever have my own family, feelings I thought would be over when they said, “you’re cancer free!” and feelings of fear.
I felt God again say to me, “Take all of your most private and intimate thoughts and use them, share them with the world, use your story Mindy to bring peace to others, bring your heart, bring your brokenness, and share your journey of dating after breast cancer.”