Wednesday, March 16, 2016 will forever be the most painful day in my existence. One that I easily wanted to follow my daughter to an eternal ever after.
At 6:44 pm, our daughter, Desirae Ava Grace Cechin, was welcomed with open arms by her big brother, Devin, that she never had the chance to meet, up in Heaven. The world immediately became darker and the eternal bliss that is Heaven, illuminated with a real life Angel on this Earth.
Terry & I arrived home with Desi so she could spend her time at home where she loved to be and was most comfortable surrounded by an infinite love amongst so many family members and close friends. I held her in my arms… my face and my eyes were the last thing she saw before she left this dark, cold Earth. I will never forget that moment. It is when my heart no longer was a heart but just a beating instrument in my chest that I hoped would stop with hers. She heard her Daddy tell stories of how she saved his life and how her legacy is going to make a mark in this world.
I feel like she was just waiting to get home and to see her brother and sissy and her doggy, Buddy, one last time. The 70-mile ride home was the quickest and the longest drive ever. We got home in record time. I looked out the windows while Desi laid in my lap and tears were falling faster than I could catch them. This would be the last drive with her. These songs playing will be the last songs I ever hear with her here. Daddy stopping to get her blue raspberry Icee would be the last time ever. I didn’t want that drive to ever end. A Taylor Swift song came on and she began singing along to it, my heart was exploding with heartbreak. How can this really be? I know how much she loves and adores this person and here she is, singing right along!
About half an hour before Desi left us, one of her wishes came true, it was actually her biggest wish, she FaceTimed with someone she is absolutely head over heels for.
In true Desi fashion, there was no better way to leave.
Comforting the crushed hearts of my babies has left me broken and inconsolable. There are no words ever that can take their excruciating pain away but I have to try to mend them back together again.
Desi & I have spent so much time together over the last 2 years, my day was all about her and she couldn’t wait to share her entire day with me. I lived and I breathed for her. I know she did the same for me.
I feel like I’ve been run over by a freight train then thrown in the ocean chained to a ball and in sinking and sinking fast. I have nothing in me but I have to keep swimming, I have to stay afloat. I absolutely don’t want to but I know I have to.
As I held and talked to Desi for hours, I told her the same thing over and over… “How am I going to live without you physically here? I’m ready for bed, I’m ready to cuddle with you, please cuddle me Desi, please cuddle me baby! I can’t wake up tomorrow and not hear your voice, not see you, how am I supposed to do that??? I MISS YOU ALREADY!!!! Please stay close to me, please let me know you’re with me still, please take care of me and help me to be strong for Derek and Dejah. I love you so much. I love you so much. I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH!!!”
Not even a couple hours after she left us, I heard it and I wasn’t going to say anything but Dejah heard it too and when she said something, she could see by my face that I heard it too. We were in Desi’s room and we both heard Desi yell, “Momma, come here!” like she would do any day when she needed me and I was in another room. No one else heard that, just Dejah & I.
Then when she was getting ready to physically leave our house, while they were preparing everything, I heard what sounded like an alarm go off on someone’s phone and I didn’t think anything of it, but I had asked Derek, “Derek, do you hear that?” and he said yeah but he didn’t know whose it was either. Well just about an hour ago before some of our family left, my sister was carrying this toy phone around, it was one Desi had gotten in New York many, many months ago. I hadn’t seen it since New York and didn’t even know we had it. She told me that all of the sudden the alarm started going off on it and she tracked down where it was coming from and it was in an old toy bin. That alarm was going off right before she was physically leaving our house. I said, “Oh my God, that was her that was Desi saying I’m here Momma, I didn’t leave you, I’m here.” I am sleeping with that phone and carrying it with me in my purse so that Desi can get a hold of me anytime she wants to send me a message.
Then the last sign came when everyone in the house was asleep and it was just me. I wanted to lay in the bed she laid in for hours before she left our home, I leaned over to close the shutters and happened to look down in the window sill at the very same time and I found a withered old flower that Desi had picked for me well over a year ago, sitting right in the window sill, plain as day, only I had never seen it in all this time. Thank you for the flower sweet angel. You are my everything!
My eyes are burning, my body and soul are completely broken, I don’t want to even think about a day without her in it and I am dreading going to sleep and having to wake up without seeing that beautiful face. This does not seem real. None of this feels like it’s happening…
My babies are sleeping in Desi’s room tonight with her blankies covering them up, they just want to be close to their baby sister. No one’s slept in her room since she first got sick. They are sleeping so soundly.
I want to thank you all for the prayers and love you’ve been sending, we are feeling things we have never experienced before and you are letting us know how much our daughter meant to you.
Hearts all over the world are breaking and it is absolutely easy to see why. Desirae was the beacon of everything that was innocent and pure in this universe. Her smile made you smile. Her spirit captivated you. Her love for life was beyond imagination.