Warriors

Katherine the Brave – Through Her Mom’s Eyes

Katie King

Katie Marie, you deserve to live sweet child. You deserve to make it to double digits. You deserve a first dance, first job. You deserve to fill out college applications, have a child of your own, with no fear of something in your head trying to kill you, slowly. We all deserve that chance. Every parent of a child with cancer deserves to be given a percentage of survival as well. A chance to fight to be in the percent that survives. DIPG takes that percentage away and gives us nothing. 0%.

Katie restingMedical bed, wheel chair, car seat, funeral, grave, the aftermath. Realities, I do not want to think of, but have to in this position. I’m devastated every time I think of it. I watch other families in this reality and see them crushed by the realness of it all. I was talking to her dad about how she was emotional when I sent her to school, and in the middle of it I started balling thinking about how chubby and cute and cuddly she was as a kid. How I wish I could go back and hug her more. She was such a good baby. And still does all she can to make mom and dad happy. I guess I should consider myself lucky that I can prepare. I hate saying lucky, because again it implies that we haven’t worked hard, and will have more time, deservedly. 

After sitting here discussing palliative care and hospice with the Oncologists and staff, I am a complete crying, hot mess. I feel broken, shattered, devastated, bombarded, ran through the wringer. All words that in NO WAY express the gravity of my true feelings, but what other words are there? I know this is so important, however for me it was not easy, I didn’t plan it to be so soon, and I’m still in la la land regarding her diagnosis apparently. I feel like a lost soul, wandering, giving up. So, now that I’ve let my true feelings out, I wanted to share the positive aspects of this meeting. Yes, there’s some positive for Katie. At least there’s that. There are things that we want to create for my child immediately, such as comfort, memories, peace, happiness. Things that we will use to make this a reality for her, alternative pain meds, therapies, home care, and some serious attitude changes, across the board. It will be done. I lost a whole lot of time hoping for a different result, expecting a different result, because we tried so hard, and that should matter right? Even if it did, I don’t feel like it did. Maybe because I’m a mom I feel this way. Maybe that will change with time. Maybe a lot of things, right… Let’s hope that the more I pull good memories out of my hat, by force, the easier this process will be. Sad memories will hopefully fade. Maybe good memories won’t fade as much.

Katie horseback ridingI know my child, and if she was old enough to tell me what she wanted, knowing her circumstances, she would ask me to keep trying, and not give up. Not just yet. She would ask me to not take away her quality of life as well. Not to dope her up with meds and therapies that may hurt her physically, and mentally, or incapacitate her. She would also want us to make this time memorable, while she’s fighting. So this is what we will do. I am so completely broken right now. I am devastated. This past 6 months isn’t enough. I wasted so much time doing things that were not important, waiting for a progressing tumor, when I shouldn’t have been. Oh the regret…. I have got to learn to get past this, and now, before I lose more time. I am not going to waste any more time. I just can’t right now.

Comments (5)

  • God bless you, Katie, David, Anita, and the girls. My simple little prayers are for you everyday wishing Gods blessings for healing and perhaps a miracle. Jamie you truly are a warrior for you daughter and your family. Love you so much.

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  • My heart is heavy and my head feels numb with no words that can help get your mind off your reality , no actions that can ease the burden of cancer and no advice that can help take this pain but I hope that knowing so many people are praying for your family. Will bring you some comfort? Thank you for sharing this roller coaster of a ride … Who knows. One of us that have followed your story may need this strength? 5 yrs. Ago we thought we were going to loose our daughter and I had to except I had no control over her future. I started praying to God to help me except his will and Except his plan. I didn’t know what that plan was but let me except it and not be so devastated I couldn’t go on. I pray that prayer for you today. We don’t know why Katie has been given this horrible disease or what is the plan but we do know that God is Good. He will carry you through this storm and bring people in your life to help you get through this. My heart goes out to all of the King Family and friends.

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  • Jaime my dear friend as I have said over and over again, my heart is so broken for you David and the girls! You have become my inspiration to be a better mother and hug my children tighter, to love them stronger. And to never miss a moment because that moment can be taken so quickly and tragically! Iam so grateful to know you David, Katie and the girls, you are such a amazing family and don’t deserve this horrible thing called cancer and what it does to families! You are all warriors and fighters and I know that you will continue her fight long after she’s no longer here. Prayers my friend and nothing but love…

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  • You are such a beautiful person inside and out…..i wish i could take all youre hurt away… i wish i could tell you everythings ok.But one thing i do know is that miracles do happen.Im praying for you from across the pond xxx

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  • So true. You’re entitled to those feeling, and it’s good you’re able to express them and share. I’m praying for your family everyday, and asking God to hold you in his loving arms as you all go through this journey. I wish I could do more… God bless all of you.

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